BurntOut
Platinum Member
Registered: 05/03/08
Posts: 639
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Reply with quote | #1 |
A little boy went up to his dad and asked, "Dad, where did I get my intelligence?"
His Dad replied " It must have been from your mother because I still have mine."
A doctor had just examined a lady who had been rushed to the hospital. He pulled the husband aside and whispered, "Sir I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
The husband replied, "I don't either but she's a great cook and she's good with the kids."
Why is it hard to solve a Redneck murder?
Because the DNA all matches and there's no dental records.
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Freshman
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 559
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Reply with quote | #2 |
A guy is arrested in California for violation of the endangered species act. The judge says he takes a very dim view of people who violate this act and if there is anything you would like to say in your defense, before I pronounce you guilty, although it will probably do you no good, go ahead and speak. The guy says he lost his job at Boeing a year ago, the bank took his house and he, his wife and 3 kids have been living in a Winnebago in the state park for the last 2 months. Your honor, I didn't realize it was a condor when I shot the bird with my bow and arrow and I am very sorry, but we were starving. The judge says, he understands hard times and can find a little mercy in this case but if he ever comes before the court again for an endangered species violation, he had better bring his toothbrush because he is going to jail. Thank you judge he says and starts to exit the courtroom. The judge says , wait a minute, I just have to know. What does Condor taste like, it can't be very good. The man replies , actually sir, with a light cream sauce it tastes very much like the Bald Eagle or the Spotted Owl. |
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BlueChip
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/19/08
Posts: 140
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Reply with quote | #3 |
What is the difference between a women and a battery???
A battery has a positive side!!!
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BurntOut
Platinum Member
Registered: 05/03/08
Posts: 639
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Reply with quote | #4 |
John: "My wife got me in to religion."
Jody: "Really!"
John:"Yeah, until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
A man goes to a Wizard to ask if he can remove a curse that he has been living with for 40 years.
The Wizard replied, "Maybe, but you have to tell me the exact words that were used to place the curse on you."
Without hesitation the man replied,"I now pronounce you man and wife."
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BurntOut
Platinum Member
Registered: 05/03/08
Posts: 639
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Reply with quote | #5 |
Did you know donkeys kill more people in the world annually than plane crashes and shark attacks? So watch your ass.
Did you know you can't fold a piece of paper more than seven times? I'll wait while you try it.............................
Did you know a duck's quack won't echo?
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scott
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 503
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Reply with quote | #6 |
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
__________________
I would trade it all for a little more. |
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johnmbryant
Moderator
Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 523
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Reply with quote | #7 |
When a lawyer, an accountant, and an appraiser were at the heavenly gates, St. Peter required a quiz for entry. The quiz was, "how much is 2 + 2?"
The lawyer answered, "You honor, I don't see the relevancy in that question."
The accountant answered, "It depends on the discounted cash flow and I would have to mark it to market."
The appraiser answered, "How much to you want it to be?" 
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Freshman
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 559
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Reply with quote | #8 |
A man goes into a Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel . He finds one he likes but it has no price tag. He takes it to the clerk for a price check. The clerk is blind but feels the rod and reel and tells the man it costs $29.99. The man says he'll take it . He drops his wallet on the floor by mistake and when he bends over to pick it up, he passes gas rather LOUDLY. The clerk hands him the bill and it is for $39.99. The guy says, you just told me it was $29.99, what's going on here? The clerk says, sir there IS an additional $10.00 charge for the duck caller and the catfish bait! |
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BurntOut
Platinum Member
Registered: 05/03/08
Posts: 639
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Reply with quote | #9 |
A seaman and a pirate are boasting, while drinking in a bar, about their adventures on the high seas.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook and eyepatch. He asks, "How did you end up with a peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in stormy seas and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me in a shark bit off my leg."
The seaman said. "Wow, what about your hook?"
The pirate replied, "We sailed to the middle east and I got caught stealing from a merchant. I was arrested and they cut off my hand."
"Incredible!" said the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?"
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" asked the seaman.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
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BurntOut
Platinum Member
Registered: 05/03/08
Posts: 639
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Reply with quote | #10 |
What did the chip say to the battery? If your Ever Ready, I'm Frito Lay.
A man observed a little boy being pulled in his little red wagon by a dog with a rope around his testicles.
The man said, "If you put that rope around his neck you can go faster."
The little boy replied, " Yeah, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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Freshman
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 559
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Reply with quote | #11 |
Lesson:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,
'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing
gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,
'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the
flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on
her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm
129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?
Walk him and pitch to the giraffe. A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get
to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and
found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of
the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull Sh1t might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there...
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johnmbryant
Moderator
Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 523
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Reply with quote | #12 |
Now that I am on the Medicare roll, will I get a letter like this?
Attached Images:
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moneyman
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/19/08
Posts: 2,578
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Reply with quote | #13 |
Three gals were sitting around chatting about life, kids, and men.
They decided to find out which soft drink was each others favorite and compared it to their man.
Girl 1) I like Pepsi because it and my man is the right one baby!
Girl 2) I like mountain dew because my man mounts me and does me good!
Girl 3) I like Jack Daniels
The other 2 quip...that's not a soft drink.
Girl 3) Replies, I know it's a hard licker. |
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BurntOut
Platinum Member
Registered: 05/03/08
Posts: 639
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Reply with quote | #14 |
A young boy doing his homework asked his dad for help in trying to explain the difference between "potentially" and realistically".
The dad suggested he ask his mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and ask his sister and brother as well. Then come back and tell him what he learned from that.
The boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
She replied, "Of course I would! We could use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to college."
The boy then went to his sister. "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh good heavens I love Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat!"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, " Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The brother replied, "Of course. Do you know how much a million dollars could buy?"
The next morning the Dad asked the boy, " Did you find the difference between "potentially" and "realistically".
The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially" you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but "Realistically" we're with living with two hookers and a future congressman."
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Nomad
Platinum Member
Registered: 04/30/09
Posts: 153
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Reply with quote | #15 |
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the ----- out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Just a couple of minutes ago...' |
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cwm
Gold Member
Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 63
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Reply with quote | #16 |
Italian Tomato Garden:
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie |
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BurntOut
Platinum Member
Registered: 05/03/08
Posts: 639
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Reply with quote | #17 |
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, skydiving. When asked how he accomplished this, he said that things were all done for him. "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the grass and the trees when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for final arrival on the ground?" he was asked. He quickly replied, "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack.
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BurntOut
Platinum Member
Registered: 05/03/08
Posts: 639
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Reply with quote | #18 |
Signs you are getting old:
You buy a compass for your dash.
You are proud of your lawnmower.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
Your growing more hair in your ears than on your head.
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Freshman
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 559
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Reply with quote | #19 |
The way I heard the Blind skydiver joke was:
Why are ther so few blind sky divers?
It scares the sh*t out of their dogs.
How can a blind skydiver tell when he is going to hit the ground?
Slack in the leash.
What do you call a deer with NO eyes.
no eye deer
What do you call a deer with No eyes and NO legs
STILL no eye deer
What do you call a deer with NO eyes, NO legs and No balls
Still no F*cking eye deer
A nun is taking a bath and the door bell rings repeatedly.
Sensing an emergency, she rushes to the door without her robe.
She says throught the door, who is it.
The reply from the other side is
it's the blind man
She thinks , well he's blind and opens the door.
The man says, whoa, nice tits lady,,, where do you want me to hang your blinds.
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RAlan
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/19/08
Posts: 746
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Reply with quote | #20 |
BurntOut,
The check marks that I put next to your list makes me feel like an old fart! Thanks for the reality check!!!!!
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Brian
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1,448
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Reply with quote | #21 |
You might recall that John Hinkley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinkley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinkley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinkley: *
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To: John Hinkley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan
My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.
The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family
P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that. |
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hlweeks1
Platinum Member
Registered: 08/27/08
Posts: 546
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Freshman
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 559
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Reply with quote | #23 |
A guy is shipwrecked on an island with a sheep and a dog.
After several months without a woman the sheep starts looking pretty good to him, but every time he makes an advance towards the sheep, the dog bites him on the ass.
So, one day the guy is sitting on the beach, melancholy over his situation and he sees something floating on the horizon.
He swims out and its in a girl who is half drowned.
He nurses her back to help for weeks and weeks until she finally comes to and says 'why I'm alive and you've saved me, if there's anything I can do just name it'.
He says,
'would you mind holding on to that dog for a couple of minutes!'
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BurntOut
Platinum Member
Registered: 05/03/08
Posts: 639
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Reply with quote | #24 |
Me and the wife were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" in bed the other night. I asked her, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No", she answered.
I said, "Is that your final answer?"
She replied, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I would like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started.................
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and slipped into the garage. I hooked up the boat and started to back out into a torrential downpour. Wind was howling so I pulled back in the garage, turned on the radio and discovered the weather would be bad all day. I went back in the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back in bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back with anticipation and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of ten years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?"
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Freshman
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 559
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Reply with quote | #25 |
A man receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium.......he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field! About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replies "No". Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible!" "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral." It's Football Season!!!!!!!! |
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Freshman
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 559
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Reply with quote | #26 |
A guy is shipwrecked on an island with a sheep and a dog. After several months without a women the sheep starts look ing pretty good to him.
But, every time he makes an advance toward the sheep, the dog bites him on the ass.
after several more months of this he is sitting on the beach, melancholy about his situation and he sees something floating on the horizon. He swims out and brings in a beautiful girl who is half drowned. He nurses her back to health for weeks and weeks until she awakens.
She says i'm alive why you must have saved me, if there is anything I can so for you , just name it.
He says
well, would you mind holding on to that dog for a couple of minutes.
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Freshman
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 559
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Reply with quote | #27 |
A salesman rings the doorbell at a home and it is answered by a pre teenager holding a beer in one hand, a cigar in the other and a rolled up Playboy under one arm.
The sales man says, 'hi young man are your parents home?'
The kid replies,
' what the f#*k do you think?
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BurntOut
Platinum Member
Registered: 05/03/08
Posts: 639
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Brian
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1,448
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Reply with quote | #29 |
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL.... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE. MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA,WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?' 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED! HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH? |
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BurntOut
Platinum Member
Registered: 05/03/08
Posts: 639
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Reply with quote | #30 |
An old fellow went to the doctor due to his recent loss of hearing in one of his ears.
The doctor looked into his ear and asked, "Jody, what are doing with a suppository in your ear?"
Jody replied, "Wow, thanks doc. Now I know where I lost my hearing aide."
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Freshman
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 559
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Reply with quote | #31 |
Italian Bread
Two old guys,one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread "
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this but me."
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MEP
Platinum Member
Registered: 01/26/09
Posts: 498
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Reply with quote | #32 |
Speaking German in Texas
Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking
population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand. The farmer shouted: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin
gesheissen.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have s*** in it.') The man shouted back: 'I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan, I can't understand you.
Please speak in English.' The farmer replied: 'Use two hands, you'll get more.'
MEP
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MAG
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 588
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Reply with quote | #33 |
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? He lay around all night wondering if there really is a dog. |
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Freshman
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 559
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Reply with quote | #34 |
A guy is walking down the street and sees a bullfrog sitting in the window of a pet shop with a $1500 sale sign above his head. Out of curiosity he asks the owner why the bullfrog is so expensive
the pet shop owner tells him that the bullfrog gives the best blow jobs you could ever imagine.
he buys the bullfrog
that night around 3 o'clock am his wife walks downstairs to find the kitchen is a mess with flour from one end to the other, pots and pans strewn all over the place and a bullfrog sitting on the counter
she says in in not a very nice tone
what is going on in MY kitchen and what is that frog doing on MY kitchen counter
he says
listen here women, as soon as I teach this bullfrog how to cook biscuits... you're outta here
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MEP
Platinum Member
Registered: 01/26/09
Posts: 498
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Reply with quote | #35 |
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver
Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took
It to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot,
And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she
Bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things
Cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied......'Two popsicles and some coffee.' MEP |
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MEP
Platinum Member
Registered: 01/26/09
Posts: 498
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Reply with quote | #36 |
Saudis ask for aid if world cuts dependence on oilAssociated PressOct. 8, 2009, 5:42AMNOW THAT IS FUNNY AND WILL COME TO PASS. mep |
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RAlan
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/19/08
Posts: 746
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Reply with quote | #37 |
An old country preacher......had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.. 1. A Bible.....? 2. A silver dollar.....? 3. A bottle of whiskey.....? 4. And a Playboy magazine......? 'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.' The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold. 'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. 'He's gonna run for Congress.' |
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hlweeks1
Platinum Member
Registered: 08/27/08
Posts: 546
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Reply with quote | #38 |
Have you heard this one? It's a hoot. Barack Husein Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize. What a shock. Not. |
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Freshman
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 559
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Reply with quote | #39 |
There's a passage in the Bible that addresses PMS...
and Mary rode Joseph's ass, all the way to Bethlehem!
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Freshman
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 559
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Reply with quote | #40 |
Moishe Plotnik's Laundry (a true story)
Walking through San Francisco 's Chinatown, a tourist ?from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the ?Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners......
When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'
'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. 'How does that belong in Chinatown ?'
He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.' ?The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.
The tourist asked, 'Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?''
The old man answered, 'Ah..Evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner.'
Looking around, the tourist asked, 'Is he here now?'
'It me, Me him!' replied the old man. 'Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?'
'It simple' said the old man. 'Many, many year ago I come to thes country. I standing in line at ' Documentation Center of Immiglation.' Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland .' 'Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What your name?' He say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting.' |
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Brian
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1,448
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Reply with quote | #41 |
A man is visiting his proctologist. "Hey doc, your ring is really irritating..." "Ring nothing, that's my watch" |
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Freshman
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 559
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Reply with quote | #42 |
Good one Brian. Sounds like a Henny Youngman joke. (That's no lady that's my wife)http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/h/henry_youngman.html A gay guy falls in love with his proctologist but the Dr. is not gay and says thanks but I think you should find another doctor.
One night the gay guy calls the proctologist and says its an emergency and he needs help.
The doctor meets him at the office, begins the rectal exam and says my God it feels like a long stem rose.
The gay guy says...
Read the card Doc, read the card.
There was no word in the spell check for proctologist. Even spell check thinks it is an abhorrent profession. LOL
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Freshman
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 559
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Reply with quote | #43 |
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher came up to the ladies, stood
right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
The first old lady immediately had a stroke.
Only seconds later the second old lady also had a stroke.
The third old lady was too feeble, and couldn't reach that far. |
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ComparableForeclosure
Platinum Member
Registered: 01/28/09
Posts: 146
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Reply with quote | #44 |
A Priest booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"
"No" she replies - "its just 'regular' porn, you sick bastard!"   |
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Brian
Platinum Member
Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1,448
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Reply with quote | #45 |
A CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?"
The Marine shrugged and said "Recoil."
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ComparableForeclosure
Platinum Member
Registered: 01/28/09
Posts: 146
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Reply with quote | #46 |
COSTUME PARTY
A couple was invited to a swanky costume Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much?"
"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to........"
HAPPY HALLOWEEN! |
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trish
Preferred Member
Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 40
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Reply with quote | #47 |
My Duck is Dead
A woman brought a very limp duck into her veterinary's office.
After she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150, just to tell me my duck is dead?!?"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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trish
Preferred Member
Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 40
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MEP
Platinum Member
Registered: 01/26/09
Posts: 498
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Reply with quote | #49 |
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one
afternoon enjoying the sunshine. As they walked, they came across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
"I won First Place!," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see another sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"I won First Place too," answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a third sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio quickly enters
the contest.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes..
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the heck is Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.
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BurntOut
Platinum Member
Registered: 05/03/08
Posts: 639
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Reply with quote | #50 |
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen, ugh!"
The woman goes to the back of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You just go right up there and tell him off and I'll hold your monkey for you."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911.
He gasps, "My friend is dead, what can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down, I can help. First let's make sure he is dead."
There is an extended silence on the phone, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "Ok, now what?"
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